TOUABie Award "Newbie of the Year"

[pmcd9]

There are a lot of new faces around the water cooler of TOUAMB these days.  Many found their way here in the wake of the closure of Assetbar.  We welcome those members and we want to celebrate them with this award for the newest members of the board.  This award goes to the member who has quickly become an asset to the community.  But before we get to the nominations I would like to give a special accomidation to Already-in-use.  You have taken trolling to a new level.  I have to admire you even when I am despising you.  And even though you are a sorry piece of shit there can be no denying you brought us closer together.  Thank you Shithead.

Now, back to business.  We have a very special guest here to present this award.  I don't want to keep you in too much suspense so without further ado... Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the award for Newbie of the Year, none other than MisterQueue!

[misterqueue]

So apparently I have been asked to present the award for "best n00b" (as I once understood the internet parlance was wont to call it). 

This is basically a similar award as the one I got back in the dark ages, but at that time it was a secret award only chosen by an elite cabal.  (I understand no less than 3 babies and one cockerel were killed in the divining of the winner, which is, honestly, fitting.)  I hope this explains why, I, a name none of the partici##### know, am presenting this instead of someone actually relevant to any of them.

I suppose this is the point where I'm supposed to break down each of the people nominated and say something pleasant about them.  However, since I'm no longer active I have no evidence of them being pleasant in any way.  I have been assured, despite this, that they are all fine upstanding people with good dental work and fierce determination.   Okay.. no one said that, but let's just pretend.  In all seriousness, it is good to see that the community here continues to thrive despite the comic itself having about 3 new entries every month or so (give or take a night of 'stad binge drinking).

But, much like the Principal at a High School prom, you didn't come here to listen to me ramble incessantly about the process or nominees, so without further ado, I present you your winner Bluemoon 72!  When I was told that she would proffer body parts if she won, my first thought was "hove some dignity", but I soon realized I wasn't Old Hat enough to haze the new blood and that I should probably just say my thing and leave.

So here's to you Bluemoon 72.  May you go on to great things!  Why just look at the previous winner and surely you'll have a longstanding "career" here.

Okay.. bad example.

Still though, you won "Best Newbie" on a message board about cartoon cats, and no one can ever take that away from you right?

Best Wishes All!

Love,
-Q

P.S. In 4 years from now, get whoever the damn hell you vote in as "Not Forgotten" to do this, instead of the forgotten, you slags.
P.P.S. Wombie, I am onto you.  Don't think you won't pay.

[bluemoon72]

Oh my!  This is so unexpected.  I am so grateful.

[Visual:  Holding hands up to stem applause. Fighting back fake tears.]

I'd like to thank TOUAMB  for this most prestigious award. Also, thank you to my agent, my manager and my attorney. You all know why.

When I started posting online as a young, idealistic girl, I did it for the love of the craft. That love has never faded.  Now, here I am, 15 years later, winning the TOUAMBie award for “Best Newbie.”  This is simply a dream come true.

[Visual:  I can’t fight back my joy any longer, and have let loose a torrent of tears.]

To my fellow nominees—each of whose name I forget right now—each one of you is equally deserving of this. I would share it with you if I could. But of course, I can’t.

To the admins, our outstanding host, and everyone who voted for me, thank you. It has been absolute orgasmic pleasure—in a completely non-sexual way, of course—chatting with all of you. You mean the world to me.  For those who didn’t vote for me, you all can kiss my ass and call me callipygian. 

[Audio: The orchestra has started playing. I ignore it and proceed.]

Okay, music man, hold it right there. Seriously, come on—this moment may or may not ever happen again!  Paul, can I be voted Best Newbie two years in a row?  No?  Huh.  Damn.  Quit playing, then, I’ve got more people to thank.

To my TOUAMB sponsor, greenkoolayd, thank you. You barely tolerate me every day.  And I honestly can't thank you enough.

Most of all, I'd like to thank the Great One himself, Mr. Chris Onstad. For the unending joy that his cheerful slice-of-life pastiches bring to us, I'd like to give him great, big, sloppy wet internet make-outs.

Whoops, here comes the hook.  Good night, everybody, and may the deity of your choosing bless you all!

[wombat]

Hey, what did *I* do???

[bluemoon72]

Oh, and the promised full moon is coming tomorrow--got a great picture, but camera cord malfunction prevents its posting. 

[pmcd9]

To see the results of this vote go here.

[lprkn]

Halfway surprised that the results link doesn't go to a picture of an ass.

[Chump Change]

I'm just proud to be considered in the same league as the newbies who have actually said things and done things. The single vote was an unexpected bonus!

But the real winner here is Bluemoon72, because 13 people voted for her.

[jaydub]

A can for being the newb with a concession speech.

[greenkoolayd]

i didnt even know i was nominated, so no speech.  i just want to say that jennifer(bluemoon72) is one of the most witty, creative, well-spoken women i know.

[Chump Change]

I'll win Best Newbie some day. I've already started on my clever disguise.

[littlefallsmets]

I, for one, am certainly prepared to vote for "Champ Chunge" next year.

He will be a champion at chunge, which... I think is like a cross between MMA and beer pong.

In between rounds of beer pong, you beat the shit out of each other and if you vomit (or "chunge") you are automatically disqualified.

It is like chess boxing except more youtube-ready.

[lprkn]

Sounds like a lovely way to spend an evening, very frat-friendly enterprise.

[greenkoolayd]

i imagine between all the puking, you hear people saying, "bro!", and "dude!", a lot.

[TedStriker]

To see the results of this vote go here.

The voting appears to be giving me the finger.  Which makes sense, given the results.