Lumpy Gravy (a Comspiracy Theory)

[pmcd9]

Here's a fun one for you.

As I was eating my tomato sandwich made with my first ever homemade bread I was pondering how easy it actually was to make.  I think it's really the perceived difficulty of the task that keep people away from a lot of cooking.  Why is this I was wondering.  I got to thinking about another food item that is perceived to be much more difficult than it actually is, gravy. 

Television and movies have led us to believe that it takes a special skill to make gravy otherwise it will turn out lumpy.  This is such a common meme that merely mentioning lumpy gravy is enough to get a laugh.  Frank Zappa even named an album Lumpy Gravy.  But was Frank Zappa an unwitting participant in a plot to drive us away from the stove? 

Did McCormick and Lawry's and Knorr funnel money into the entertainment industry for years? 

Don't you think that it's just a little bit too much of a coincidence that these lumpy gravy jokes began to appear at about the same time that processed pre packaged foods began to flood our market shelves?  Why make it yourself, you'll only screw it up anyway, let us make it for you.  It's only pennies more.

Have you noticed, you don't hear lumpy gravy jokes anymore?  Why not?  I'll tell you why, it's because nobody cooks gravy anymore.  We all get our gravy out of a package.  They've won.

But there is one person left in America who still makes gravy and that person is me.  They can take my gravy skillet when they pry my cold fingers from the handle.

[jay-ell]

I make my own gravy. Not as in dog food, of course. But I have never gotten gravy out of a jar. In fact, I am horrified by the concept. It's not hard to make, so long as you know the trick about dissolving the flour in cold water first (or, better yet, making a roux). That was one of the first cooking lessons my mother ever gave me.

How is it that people don't know how to make gravy? Is this for real, or is Paul being crazy here? Young folks, say it ain't so. Tell me you college kids know how to make gravy that doesn't come from a paper packet or a can.

[Nabubrush]

Bread isn't hard to make, it just takes a while.

For a second I thought that said cornspiracy, which was fun for me.

[robot_god]

My dad makes gravy like all day.  But he is in food service so it ain't a big deal or nothin'.

[Doc]

I have a vague idea that you make gravy by mixing flour into the dripping from a roast meat but I have never done this because I don't like gravy. So I'm kind of neutral in this debate I guess.

[wombat]

Yeah, I can make gravy if I want to, but mostly, why would I want to? Once a year at Thanksgiving is pretty much the only time I cook anything that goes with gravy.

[Asherdan]

I like Paul's conspiracy but want to join Nabu's cornspiracy.

BTW, that really is a good one, Paul. It's got all the classic edgemarks of a mass-media driven big package plot. Let me search the fringes of my memory a bit, because I remember some scants of the lumpy-gravy thing being a 'big deal'. Fuck, I think Flip Wilson even got on that train of his own.

ALSO: I made homemade spanish rice to go along with dinner last night straight outta Betty Crocker's New Cookbook published in 1996. The recipes were developed and wrung out in the Food & Nutrition Department of General Mills Inc.

It's bigger than we thought, Paul. They want to get us coming and going!

[littlefallsmets]

I imagined Lumpy Gravy as a dude who opens for Phish doing a clown act, claiming that he is not a rip-off of Wavy Gravy at all.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he might say, "Hogsty gave me this nickname years before we even heard of the Dead."

He would then welcome Phish on stage where they would play their hits such as "Riding in a Semi" and "My Hair Is Getting A Little White And I am Totally Okay With That".

[CortJstr]

Yeah, I can make gravy if I want to, but mostly, why would I want to? Once a year at Thanksgiving is pretty much the only time I cook anything that goes with gravy.

I like gravy, especially gravy fries, but seeing as I've either lived alone or with a vegetarian for the past 8 years I've never actually cooked a piece of meat with gravy potential. So it's just the stuff at the diner or from a jar for me.

[jay-ell]

One of the best things you can do with chicken drippings -- while not true gravy, the process is essentially the same -- is add a quarter-cup of sherry or cooking wine to the pan after removing the chicken, scraping up the browned bits and reduce it by half. Then add 1/2 cup of chicken stock, bring to a simmer, and melt in a tiny bit of roux until just thick enough to coat a spoon. I serve mine as a sauce over the chicken and a side of noodles (usually cappelini, but it's great over orzo too). It's more of a reduction sauce than a gravy, but it's light and tasty and you can add any fresh herbs or seasonings you want to it.

[pmcd9]

You've all been so brainwashed you don't even know anymore!

[Asherdan]

That thing you can do that JL mentions is also a good base to drop your homemade dumplings into for a cooking along with your chicken.

Flavour City

[theinevitable]

I have never made or wanted to make gravy.

maybe I will make it this year when I am alone in my apartment on thanksgiving.

I do not think I would make gravy out of a package, though.

my mom makes really good gravy.

[pmcd9]

That's what they want you to think, maaan.

[Nabubrush]

Poutine, motherfucker! Do you speak it?